I am 31 years old and I have gone through several stages with this fetish and I would like to share my experience and how I have dealt with it here.
First, I would like to point out that this was the path that helped me the most, but in no way do I want to give the idea that I am better than everyone else here. On the contrary, I am flawed and, even walking this path I stumble, but I get up and move on. I just want to share my experience here and, if it somehow inspires someone, I will be happy about that.
When I was a child, around 5 or 6 years old, I watched the movie "The Nutty Professor", and one scene in particular stuck in my memory. The scene was when he dreamed that he kept getting fat. That part of the movie had a profound effect on my childhood mind. After that, I watched Spirited Away, where another scene also stuck with me, when a creature started to swallow other characters. Since then, whenever I saw scenes in cartoons, movies, etc. that were similar to those movies, I would get a peculiar interest, something strange that I didn't know how to describe. In 2005, I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. In that movie, a girl named Violet chews a Blueberry gum. Then, she starts to swell, grow and turn blue like the fruit. The actress who played the character was the same age as me at the time and it was at that point that that unusual interest... became physical attraction.
Some time later, with the arrival of the Internet in our homes, it took a while to find this type of content on the web. To tell the truth, I wasn't even aware that there would be any content like that on the web, and I wasn't even trying to find it. But one day, while searching for something completely unrelated, an image appeared that reminded me of those drawings. Out of curiosity, I clicked to see the author... It was my biggest regret because, after that click, I entered a totally new and unknown world, where people created content that resonated with what attracted me. The drawings were even silly and innocent at first, but as I delved deeper and deeper, things intensified and became heavier.
Until then, I didn't know what it was that I was feeling, I didn't have a name to call it. It was then that during a worship service, I heard the passage:
"There are desires that must die, die to the world and live for God,
and worship Him."
This touched my soul and began to bother me. Since then, for the first time, I began to try to understand what was going on inside me, what this feeling was. It was then that I read about Paraphilias, sexual desires that were distorted. It was then that I discovered about the Fetish for fat women and also Vorarephilia, or simply "Vore". I felt like a freak, a monster, someone dirty, impure. I told my parents the truth about these things. They were understanding and helped me as much as they could. I was around 14 or 15 years old at the time.
Since then it has been a constant struggle. From the end of my adolescence, throughout my youth, I have been fighting against these desires, carnal impulses and immorality. One of the lowest points I have been at was when, swallowed up by fantasies, I accidentally... soiled myself on a bus. Fortunately, the bus was empty, and it was close to home, but shame overcame me.
I not only saw what other people drew, but I also made my own drawings. I brought my fetishes and fantasies to paper. But I always erased them, realizing how shameful, distorted, and immoral it was.
So, in an act of exhaustion and desperation, I used the same paper I had drawn on to write a letter to God. I said that, just as that paper was marked by the erased traces of my fetishes, so was my heart. And so, no matter how much I tried to erase my drawings, but they always left marks, I tried to erase my desires and fantasies, but I couldn't. I desperately needed His help. That was also in 2019, a little before my genuine conversion to Christ, and the answer to that letter came years later.
Once I was converted, the struggles around these issues didn't let up. But there was something I didn't understand, why, after being converted to Christ, I still resorted to fantasies and fetishes. It was as if a piece was missing, as if a barrier was preventing me from seeing the root of these fantasies and fetishes. It was only in the last months of 2024 that I had this clarification. After much research and meditation, getting to know myself, I discovered that the roots of these fetishes and fantasies were linked to deep desires in my soul for control, escapism and intimacy.
Control is linked to planning and executing according to the plan. Setting goals, objectives, being assertive with things that I consider important to me. But things do not always go according to plan (sometimes nothing goes as planned) and this generates frustration and discontent. This is reflected in the fantasy of feeding the partner and making her fat (feederism), as a way of controlling the other's body. But this initial control is undermined as the partner grows more and more, reaching surreal and unreal dimensions, an expression of the feeling of lack of control? Maybe...
But frustration leads to self-demand, to self-judgment. Taking it out on yourself, not meeting the expectations you place on yourself, tires you out, until you reach a point where you throw everything on yourself and give up control to something, or someone, bigger. This is perhaps the root of escapism.
And finally, intimacy. Desire to connect, to unite with someone. In feederism, food is the link between the two people, the feeder and the feedee. In Vorarephilia, the connection is much deeper and more intimate, as it consists of swallowing or being swallowed by the partner. In my fantasies, after my partner devours everything and there is nothing left, I am swallowed by her and, in her stomach, I am absorbed by the gastric walls and become one with her. This can also be understood as a form of self-nullification, an escape from oneself and from self-demand. But the greater focus here is on extreme intimacy and the connection between the two.
These deep desires for control, escapism and intimacy are unconsciously translated with fantasy and fetishes to bring these sensations and pleasures. But they are illusions, empty and fleeting. I would always repeat this cycle. However, the definitive answer was always in front of me: Christ Jesus.
Christ has complete control, even over what we consider uncontrollable. He is in control and only He is great enough to control everything and bring relief and rest to the soul through deep intimacy with Him.
Finally, that was the missing piece! After coming to this understanding, the monstrosity of these desires and fantasies no longer haunts me.
This does not mean that I no longer feel attracted to curvy and large women, or to vore, but it is no longer as disproportionate as before. Now it is in its proper place.
I thought that I would live my whole life with this problem and that the solution would only come in Glory. In fact, in Glory, we will be completely freed from the presence of sin. But God's mercy was so great that I can taste a little more of this freedom while still on this Earth.
This is the phase I am currently in in life. There is still a long journey to travel, other dilemmas to resolve and a purpose to discover. I'm not sure what will come next, but I have faith that God will lead me to something that will be good, perfect, and pleasing.